Reflecting Questions

Recently, I was challenged by a friend who asked, 'Curtis, what's next for you?' We talked at length about my journey and responsibility to the church. The question is important because as I journey it can be isolating. There's always a temptation of trying to go it alone, or getting stuck in my head, without the support and critique of a community. Perhaps he sees me as wandering lost in the desert going in circles. And it is a very real danger.

A year ago I was offered and accepted a position as an interim youth leader. (It was made clear that my position was a temporary one while the congregation discerned what they wanted in a youth program.) Over the course of the year I was constantly challenged to engage the youth, work with the parents and adult church members. Essentially, I began to learn what it meant to lead. More often than not it meant listening and responding to the needs of congregation. Leadership is about being willing to serve. I am ever so thankful for my time with the youth and all they taught me.

The contract I agreed to was for one year that could have been renewed for another year. The reasons to renew included my care for the members of the church, the connections I made with the youth, the security of having a paying job. The reasons not to renew included the need of the congregation for a full time youth pastor (which is not my calling) and the need of mine to embody a different social reality (most definitely my calling). I opted not to renew.

So what then is my responsibility to the church to which I no longer have a formal title? How do I engage the church from the margins, jobless and homeless? Why do I live this way? It's definitely not the money.

Occasionally, I have been criticized as having the luxury of opting out, since I don't have a family to support or other obligations. I reject that form of criticism because of the stories of saints and prophets and their families. I want to be like them:

Jesus, the Christ differentiated between his biological family, to whom he was born, and his true family, those who do the will of God. Many of his family did end up following him and were among the few of his followers present at his crucifixion.

Prince Siddartha, who became the Buddha, left his wife, Yasodhara, and child and his kingdom to seek enlightenment. When Siddartha left, Yashodhara vowed to live like her husband renouncing wealth and offers of re-marriage.

Saint Francis of Assisi left his family and their pursuit of wealth, in order to serve the poor. Eventually, his mother and sister also renounced their wealth and joined his simple order of monks. In fact it was Francis' mother who early on urged him to explore and deepen his spirituality. She even supported him when she was able.

From one point of view it was cruel to push away their families. From another point of view it is crueler to remain ignorant or callous of the suffering of others. The invitation to let go of fear and oppression is extended to everyone, including the biological family.

Those are my examples, the reason why I live as simply as possible. There is very little comfort in leaving, in asking for work, asking for food, asking for a place to sleep. The comfort comes from the relationships that develop: through the unexpected celebrations, musical outbursts, dance parties, bible studies, meals, etc. It is both tiring and exhilarating!

So if it seems I am wandering it because the path is crooked. If it seems I have no 5 year plan it is because the plan is hidden to me. If it seems I am footloose and free it is because I am free only as long as I serve others. My hands are empty, I am called to work. And the work is a joy and all the reward I need. I prefer being paid with blessings rather than with coins.

In the short term, I will be working at the Corpus Christi Catholic Worker House in Lancaster for awhile. I am also visiting local churches and asking 'what's next?' and 'how can I be of use?' There is also a small group of friends in Lancaster that discusses spirituality and the implications of those beliefs in our lives. We make waffles. It's a Waffle Church!

So that's all for this update.

May peace be with you and may we see each other soon!

Poetry: Brother Sister Moon Rain

Big brother always comes sideways,
Wanting to catch me off-guard:
'You are an accident.'
He taunts the 5, 7, 13 year old.

Always I respond with windmilling fists
Too small for his growing frame
He doesn't even defend himself
Laughing at each rapid blow.

Years later, little sister,
Looks at my suitcase:
'You are leaving.'
It is a statement, an accusation.

Turning toward the door
I never thought of it
The distance I was creating
For each of us.

The Man in the Moon smiles upon the desert
His light reveals my tatters:
'You are walking in circles.'
He whispers mocking my journey.

I curse the wind that
Swirls sand into my eyes
It continues westward
Oblivious to my shrinking frame.

The Rain God stroking my head
As I approach the great city:
'You are home.'
She welcomes the young and old.

Sitting in the infinite sea
Surrounded and contained
The endless void of possibility
Is this what's next?

Poetry: Expectation

some nights are still
so quiet
not even the hum of street lights
are heard
as if expecting the morning
and the day it holds

Poetry: I.L.L.

I.L.L.

I love Lucy
and you have some explaining to do,


I live long time
indeed Ill never die,


What is ill?
Its like light
hidden in plain sight.


Ill never change,
until the last L becomes U.


ILU, Elihu, Hallelu

Archbishop Oscar Romero's Final Homily

[Spoken at the National Cathedral in San Salvador on March 23rd, 1980. The day before his assassination.]

Beloved brothers and sisters... no government can be effective unless it is rooted in the people, much less so when it seeks to impose itself at the cost of pain and blood. I would like to appeal in a special way to the men of the armed forces, and concretely to the troops of the National Guard, of the police and of the military posts; Brothers, you belong to our people; you kill your own brother peasants; and in the face of an order to kill, which comes from a human person, the law of God should prevail which says DO NOT KILL! No soldier is obliged to obey a command which goes against the law of God. No one is required to comply with an immoral law. It is time now that you recover your conscience, and that you obey your conscience first rather than a sinful command. The Church, defender of the rights of God, of the law of God, of human dignity and of the human person, cannot remain silent in the face of so much abomination. We want the government to consider seriously that reforms mean nothing when they come bathed in so much blood. In the name of God, then, and in the name of this suffering people, whose laments reach up to the heavens every day with greater intensity, I beg you, STOP THE REPRESSION! The Church preaches your liberation just as we have studied it here today in the Holy Bible -- a liberation which holds, above all, the respect for the dignity of the human person, the salvation of the common good of the people, and that transcendence which looks first of all to God, and from God alone derives its hope and its strength.

Homily on Covenants that Blew my Mind

I was at a friend's wedding this past Sunday. (Congratulations Issac and Barb!) During the wedding the pastor gave a short homily on covenants. He started talking about what covenant relationships meant during Abraham's time. I'll just paraphrase the points that really interested me: Covenants occurred between two men and were more binding than a treaty, contract or agreement. A covenant was a new relationship where both men would become like one person. The covenant members would refrain from any selfish actions that might harm this new relationship. The act of trading firstborn sons was common as a very real representation of this new bond.

Now the part that really got me was this analogy: Therefore, when God asks Abraham to put Issac on the altar as a sacrifice, God, in order to keep the covenant, is promising to also put up a son as sacrifice. And in fact Jesus takes Issac's place on the altar. It makes sense that Abraham would have understood this implicit promise.

For me it also gives greater meaning to Jesus saying, 'Your father Abraham rejoiced at the thought of seeing my day; he saw it and was glad.' He saw the coming of God's son as fulfillment of the covenant promise: My son will die so that your son might live.

I read a theory awhile back that Issac for what ever reason was incapable of understanding why Abraham brought him up the mountain or what was happening on the altar. Literally, he was led like a lamb to the slaughter. This understanding of covenants along with the life of Jesus rounds out the story. Jesus takes the place of Issac because is he is capable of choosing to lay down his life, a choice which is never offered to Issac.

Of War and Health Care

No one should die because they can't afford health care, no one should go broke because they get sick. True.

Health care is a moral issue. True.

The government handling of health care is the only solution. False.

Walking around the Jefferson Memorial last spring, I was struck by the words of The Declaration of Independence:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

How often I've glossed over the Declaration. Yet at that April morning I had an insight. Jefferson states that the Creator has endowed men (a specific class of men; foreshadowing the limited scope of freedom the Congress at that time was willing to bestow) with rights due to the equality of their being. Here he implies that without proper government these unalienable rights cannot be upheld, which is false if they are indeed absolute. The next assertion, which says governments exist because the people allow themselves to be ruled, is a tautology. He continues saying that when governments fail the people have the right to revolt. Furthermore, says Jefferson, the means of revolution is only possible through the bloodshed of tyrants and patriots. Yet historically violent revolts have only established different systems injustice. This statement of positive violence must be rejected if we desire true peace and justice for all.

Jefferson appears to worship humanity in the Declaration, he claims governments are founded by the people and that the people can change them. Yet while the first part of the statement is true, the second part is not so simple. We easily build our prisons, but we cannot escape them unaided. Over time more and more authority is given to the government by the people. In the history of the US, power has become more and more centralized into one person, into one office -the executive branch or the war branch. The President is not called Commander in Chief without reason.

I find it contradictory that Jefferson who so openly loved humanity, as a citizen and President, engaged and promoted warfare himself. War is the destruction of the best of humanity. The battlefield dead can no longer pursue their unalienable rights. And the surviving soldiers return home knowing they have ended the lives of many; that they have on some level killed their mirror images. Can these veterans sleep knowing they have made sons and daughters into orphans? Can they ever again return to the pursuit of happiness? Who is the victor, who is more noble, the dead or the dying? Only the State can claim victory during times of war.

John Adams, the second US President, summed up the low order of war pragmatically when writing to his wife, Abigail: "I must study Politicks and War that my sons may have liberty to study Mathematicks and Philosophy. My sons ought to study Mathematicks and Philosophy, Geography, natural History, Naval Architecture, navigation, Commerce and Agriculture, in order to give their Children a right to study Painting, Poetry, Musick, Architecture, Statuary, Tapestry and Porcelaine." (Unsurprisingly, his son John Quincy Adams, became neither a scientist nor an artist, but followed in his father's footsteps and became a politician and President.)

What if no one studied war or politics, but pursued everything else? What if everyone could joyfully sing the spiritual?

I’m going to lay down my heavy load
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
Down by the riverside
Going to lay down my heavy load
Down by the riverside
Ain’t going to study war no more

So what does all of this have to do with health care? Simply that governments justify their existence with the gun and jailhouse. Hear me out: Governments exist to enforce their own laws. They use violence or the threat of violence to maintain the rule of law.

For example, the teachings of many faiths say, 'It is wrong to kill, do not do it.' In contrast, the government says anyone who kills must be thrown in jail or put to death. Unless that person is a soldier, then the law is reversed and the more a soldier kills the more he is praised. For the government nothing can be above its laws, even if they are illogical. Yet for the community of faith the law was made to serve the people, the people were not made to serve the law.

Governments are legal institutions, but they are not moral agencies. Do not put your faith in them. Don't abdicate your moral responsibilities to the State because it seems like the only solution. It is the easier solution but it is not the ethical one.

Again, governments believe that the proper use of evil can overcome evil; that war can create peace; that killing can save lives; that in order to save a village it has to be destroyed. But understand that the use of violence only breeds more violence; indeed evil can only be overcome with good; that only the blood of martyrs dulls the executioner's axe.

The community of faith is in danger of losing its soul when it is no longer willing to bear the burdens of social justice and relinquishes its conscience to the whims of the government. Those who believe in a greater authority are called to care for their neighbor in sickness or in health. Health care must be carried out on a relational level, face to face. The sick are healed by our compassionate presence, not by legislation.

If you think I am being naive then I point to the mission of the Catholic Worker, which has been caring for the least of these without State assistance since the Great Depression (the Catholic Worker houses generally do not operate as a 501c3, and therefore are not tax exempt, but as such they are free from coercion by government). If you think I am being too critical of the President and the connection to war then I ask: Does it makes any sense to fall farther into national debt when not one politician is willing to consider re-allocating funds from a bloated military budget? Does it make sense that the poor might be fined for being unable to afford health care? Rather I pray you believe that by even the smallest act of compassion the world is changed more dramatically than the grandest of laws.

Do not be convinced that the government can do what we, God's children, are made for... the government cannot give much thought to the poor, it cannot truly care for the sick, the broken, the veteran, the weak... it is too busy enforcing its laws and waging its wars.

Believe that you and I are made to care for each other, to love each other. Believe that the truest response to someone in need is not in the petition to your congressperson but to stretch out your own hand. The moral issue depends on whether or not we open our own wallets and accept the responsibility of caring for our neighbor as ourselves. I tell you the poor and the sick will not be greatly helped if we let the government assume this duty.

Governments cannot truly change, despite high minded rhetoric. The new boss is the same as the old boss... Only we, the people, are agents of change. Even President Obama and the founding fathers concede that much.

If I eat it is because you fed me,
If I sleep it is because you sheltered me,
If I am warm it is because you covered me,
If I laugh it is because you comforted me,
And if I stand it is because you supported me.