Statement of Belief and a New Mission Statement

Before I started on my journey five months ago, on advice from a friend, I wrote up a personal mission statement to help guide me:

I walk to heal my wounds, in search of others who also want to be healed. I walk to see God in my brothers and sisters. I am called to walk. Love has called me and so I walk to find it.

Even though I wrote that statement months ago, I never expected to find the healing, peace and love it expresses. Yet here I am amazed that I have actually seen the face of God and I am surprised I found the Love that moves me forward. My last posting was an attempt to describe how I see the world now. This post is about how the transformation happened.

I was wounded, heartbroken when I started out on the road in November. I was running from an abortive relationship.

Yet for some reason I couldn't let her go, we kept talking and texting even as I walked to Philadelphia. By January, I wanted to be free of the old hurt; everytime we spoke I began to hope that maybe it wasn't over.

One night, I ranted at her for a bit and then told her to do what ever she wanted to do, just don't involve me in it.

For the next several weeks, I cloistered myself away. I was convinced I was healing and better off. I hardly thought of her.

Then one morning, on January 22nd I woke up with a weight on my chest. It felt like someone had their heel on my sternum. I meditated and prayed. Nothing would get rid of the pressure until I finally thought: I should give her a call. The foot was lifted at that same moment.

I got out of bed then, showered, ate and procrastinated. Eventually I sat down to the phone. But I was angry and afraid; why should I call her? I feel good now and calling will only make me suffer.

I can't explain it in any other way than this: a small quiet voice spoke, 'You should call her because I love her as much as I love you.'

My anger was gone. When I called, I got her voicemail and left a message. She immediately called back. We spoke briefly as she was just about to get on a plane. She had been on vacation and I had reached her between connecting flights. It was amiable and short. I didn't tell her then what made me call.

I was confused; I couldn't understand the point of talking to her. It hurt like hell. It was as if the last few weeks never happened. I lay there with this longing, this loneliness, this gnawing heartache. By my bed was the Tao te Ching. I opened it up to a random chapter and read:

Hope and fear are both phantoms
that arise from thinking of the self.
When we don't see the self as self,
what do we have to fear?

My heart burned then as if I was being consumed. I died on the night of January 27th and discovered that I still lived. (Would it help if I say the ego died then? Or that I was born again? Or enlightened, awakened?)

Understand I am not boasting here of being beyond human, nor of my own perfection. What I am saying is I went looking for a pearl of great worth and by the Grace of God found it. I knocked on doors and they were opened. I have discovered the narrow gate and the hidden way to life.

The self must die, so that we might live. How many times have I heard those words and didn't understand? The St. Francis Peace Prayer ends with, and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life. Amen.

And Luke 9:23-24 (NIV) Then [Jesus] said to them all: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." There is, again and again, this statement of death leading to life.

(In my excitement, I've skipped part of the story. I was not allowed to stop loving her, even to the breaking point. What I found wasn't despair or depression, but a new life. Think about it, Christ suffered and died because he loved us, but triumphed over death. We are to partake in the life the of Christ as believers. Our love of others, especially those who hurt us is central to our faith. I used to tell myself my love for her was unconditional. But I was decieving myself. Before that night, my love was contingent on being loved in return. Truth be told she and I still talk and it still hurts, but it is the love that gives the pain meaning.)

I'm telling you it is the very nature of our self-preservation that separates us from God and our neighbors. We plan for the future, but thieves break in (AIG) and moths destroy (Bernie Madoff). We hoard our wealth because we fear there isn't enough to go around. We lie, to protect our self-image, because we don't want to be judged. We steal because it is easier on our pride than asking for help. We slander and go to war because it is easier than forgiving those who hurt us. We masturbate in secret because we are afraid of rejection. The self is the root of all sin.

Why am I telling you all this? Because "No one lights a lamp and hides it in a jar or puts it under a bed. Instead he puts it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light." Luke 8:16 (NIV). But also because "...your liberation is bound up with mine."

As long as we believe in the illusion, it will have power over us and we will never be free. As long as we believe that security comes from money and safety comes from force of arms, we will never be secure nor safe. As long as we have guest rooms that are empty, and bank accounts that are full, there will be homelessness and hunger. There is another reality waiting to be born. Aren't we ready to believe in the words that are spoken every Sunday in our churches?

"If you are content with the old world, try to preserve it, it is very sick and cannot hold out much longer. But if you cannot bear to live in everlasting dissonance between your beliefs and your life, thinking one thing and doing another, get out of the mediaeval whited sepulchers, and face your fears. I know very well it is not easy." -Alexander Herzen

Again I do not boast, but say I have given up everything for the work of the kingdom. Because I believe in the covenant God made with Abraham, Moses, and David. I believe in the Christ and the kingdom he proclaimed. I work for the day when you and I and all the people we love will be together, singing, dancing and celebrating. I walk for a day when war and poverty no longer exist. This is not only my dream, but the dream of our ancestors and all the prophets who came before us.

Hope is as hollow as fear, because it is by your actions and the grace of God that the world is changed. Do not wish for a better world, nor despair for this one, but do as Christ said: ask, seek and knock and you will find the peace God has promised you.

My journey is one of peace, but it will no doubt cause anger. For one, I wholly believe in the separation of church and state. Radically separate in that the church must not allow itself to be connected with any government. Governments exist to serve those who do not yet believe, but not even the best government will last. I also am calling on people who are willing to live radically, outside of the normal definitions of activism and religion. I am searching for brothers and sisters, who like Christ, reject Caesar's authority, the High Temple's piety and the Zealot's bloody sword.

I have much more to say, I can't wait to visit you and talk more about the movement of the Spirit in our generation.

Peace and love,
Curtis Villanueva Jantzi